I’ve had FIOS for about 3 years. Love the service, but if there’s a problem — WATCH OUT!!! Better grab a bottle of Xanax, a tall drink, and make sure you take the day off of work. Why? Because you’ll need patience… lots of patience… and you’ll need time… lots of time. Don’t have any loaded weapons b/c after the 3rd of 4th or 5th time you repeat your problem to a different “department, ” you’ll want to blow your brains out. That, or put a hole in your flat screen TV with the blank void staring at you.

Mind you, this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced a problem with FIOS over the past few years. I actually say prayers at night hoping not to have any technical, billing or other issues with FIOS because I dread making that call.

Here’s a recap of my most recent experience earlier this evening…

Come home from work at 5:30 to a blank screen with the following announcement —

THIS CHANNEL IS CURRENTLY NOT AVAILABLE… CHANGE CHANNEL OR CALL THIS NUMBER – 1-866-962-1946…

So I make the call.

After going over my telephone number, name, rank serial number, mother’s maiden name, and showing them a picture of the mole on my ass to confirm my identity because I had the misfortune of NOT also having a “Verizon Telephone Number” on my account (yes, I of the audacity to choose a competitive telephone provider over Verizon), I finally get ahold of someone who can access my account.

VZ: What’s the problem sir??

ME: Well, I don’t know, you tell me. My TV tells me to call this number.

VZ: It looks like your account is suspended.

ME: Really? How did that happen? I’m on auto-pay and the payment has been deducted every month for 3 years, without fail.

VZ: I can’t say, sir. I’ll have to transfer you to the billing department. We don’t handle billing issues.

ME: Ok. Can you transfer me to a human being account rep [cue on hold music] resentative!!!

… ON HOLD MUSIC CONTINUES FOR THE NEXT 25 MINUTES… good, gives me time to eat dinner as I sit in front of my blank TV screen.

Enter Billing Department representative.

VZ: Sir, can you provide the Verizon Telephone Number associated with your account…

Oh God, here we go again… 10 minutes later and I’ve once again provided the rep with a picture of the mole… finally, my account information is up in front of her… finally, I can get this issue resolved and get TV service restored… finally…

VZ: Sorry, sir, yes this is the Billing Department, but we don’t handle payments… that’s another department… and I’m sorry to say that the payments department is only open from 8AM to 6PM and it’s now 6:30 PM, you’ll have to call back in the morning to have your service restored.

ME: Wait, you mean there’s nothing I can do to identify the cause of the suspension this evening? Possibly have you restore my service??

VZ: No sir, even if we could, service wouldn’t be restored until tomorrow during normal business hours.

ME: Well… thanks for wasting the past hour on the phone with me… had you bunch of idiots provided me with the right damn phone number from the get go, I would have been in touch with someoene during NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS!!!

And mind you, this is not a rare occurance. I’d say I’ve had to contact Verizon around a dozen times in 3 years. Each time the service experience gets worse and worse and worse. And no matter how many times I call, it takes 10 minutes and all the personal information in the world for them to even access my account information… and that’s 10 minutes every damn time I’m transferred to one of Verizon’s infamous “Other Departments.”

How many Departments does Verizon have??? It has as many Departments as are necessary to make sure 90% of the complaining customers who call them get so fed up being transferred to a different Department they simply give up!!

Please… FCC… Virginia Corporation Commission… Attorney General… someone… please help!!!